


Tinder Hates Lovino

by TheGoliathBeetle



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Antonio is cute, But man, Feli is a little shit, Lovino has no love life ever, Lovino hates Tinder back, M/M, Online Dating, Tinder is sin, and not in a good way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-07-15 19:01:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7234705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGoliathBeetle/pseuds/TheGoliathBeetle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or: that awkward moment when you accidentally "Swipe Right" on your Uber driver, and it's a match. - Feli thought he was only helping his brother by secretly putting Lovino on Tinder. Turns out, he was. - Spamano multi-chapter. Short fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Swipe Left

**Author's Note:**

> I recently joined Tinder. It's a seriously weird app. Don't join it, kids.
> 
> Also, in Tinder lingo, "Swiping Left" means you don't like the person, and "Swiping Right" means that you do.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feliciano tries to help his prudish virgin brother, and Lovino's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. For reasons.

All Lovino was sure of was that it was all Feli's fault. Things that went wrong in his life usually were. His brother was a dunce.

So it started when they were waiting for an Uber to take them home from their restaurant. Lovino and Feli both worked as chefs: Feli made the pastas and Lovino made the pizzas. They shared an apartment to save on money and split the rent evenly at the end of each month. Feli was on the phone with his loser of a boyfriend Ludwig, who was a mechanical engineer of some sort and good with cars. (Ludwig was the diner and Feli was the chef who served him a hella great pasta – a match made in heaven, or whatever.)

"You're so _cute,_ Lud," Feli cooed into his phone, giggling and blushing. Lovino rolled his eyes, checking his phone for the cab. The driver's name was Antonio Fernandez something, and the car number was 8761. It was a blue Prius, and –

"Oh, we _should_ do that tomorrow night." Feli snickered wickledly.

Expected time of arrival: 3 minutes. Come on, blue Prius 8761, hurry up…

"Could you wear your sailor suit? _Pleeeaaasee_? You know I just love you in it."

Oh god, when was this Uber going to come?

ETA: 2 minutes.

"That would be hot."

ETA: 1 minute.

"…Oh, are you going to _capture_ me, Captain Beilsch—"

"Fucking finally!" Lovino virtually shouted as the car arrived, stepping onto the road with his hands waving wildly. "Feli, get off the phone – no, don't get _off_ of the phone – Jesus!" Throwing open the car door, Lovino jumped in the back seat, scowling at the rear view mirror. "What the hell took you so long?"

The driver glanced at the mirror, his green eyes landing on Lovino with a long, curious stare. "I only took five minutes, sir. I'm sorry if I delayed you."

That was when Feli slid in, still chatting animatedly on the phone. Still giggling. Still blushing. Lovino rolled his eyes, barked out their home address and curled into the corner of the car, pretending to sleep. Easier said than done. Feli blabbered on, a cross between slutty and flirty, ignoring the fact that the Uber driver could hear everything – didn't Feli have any sense of propriety? Lovino was the older brother, he should be instilling some morals or something.

So he snatched the phone from his brother's hand, put it to his ear and said, "yeah this is Lovino, he'll call you when he's in his room and wants to play with himself, we're in a cab right now, so bye." And cut the call.

Feliciano glared at his brother. And then started to laugh. "Your face is all red, Lovi."

"What the fuck do you think?"

"I'm sorry I was being inconsiderate. I know it bothers you." Feliciano suddenly took on a very concerned tone, tilting his head to the side and looking at his brother like he was on his deathbed. "Are you doing okay?"

What the hell did Feli mean by _that_? Sure, Lovino was a bit mortified, but come on. He wasn't like…upset or anything. He didn't personally like Ludwig, but Feli was happy with him. That was what mattered, really. "Uh," Lovino spluttered out, "yeah?"

Feli put a hand on his arm. "I know you don't like being alone and you've never been in love and that must suck."

Instantly, Lovino glanced at the driver – he had an awful feeling that guy was eavesdropping on everything. How could he not? They were being so loud and it was an enclosed, air-conditioned car. The driver had his eyes on the road, yes, but oh, Lovino knew…

"Can we not?" he told his brother. "I know you like to have these long, emotional conversations but I'm really not in the mood." He opened the Game Center on his phone and pretended to be engrossed in Candy Crush. It worked for about five minutes.

"I should ask around if any of my friends are single. I know Kiku just broke up with Alfred but maybe he'd agree to a date or two."

"Feliciano, shut up. I'm not going out with your friends. Especially not Kiku."

"What's wrong with Kiku?"

"He's into some weird porn."

Feli giggled. "Oh, that's right." But his cheer died down and once again, Sweet Caring Feli Angel reared his pasta-filled head. "But I worry about you! I know you get really lonely and you're so shy so you never talk to anyone. Remember when that cute customer complimented your pizza? You just said thanks and went about your business! You could have at least flirted a bit!"

"Hey," Lovino snapped, because they were doing this conversation now, it seemed, "for your information, I get a lot of dates."

Feli raised his eyebrows as if to silently say, _oh, really?_ "We live in the same flat, Lovi. I'd know if you got a lot of dates."

"You don't notice anything these days with that stupid potato man of yours."

His brother snorted so hard it must have actually hurt. Doubling over to laugh, Feli managed a raspy, "Potato man! That's hilarious!"

"Whatever." Lovino crossed his arms over his chest and gazed out of the window. He definitely felt like sulking now. It shouldn't have been such a big deal, but yeah, okay, he did get kind of annoyed that Feli would cancel plans because he was hanging out with his boyfriend. Lovino couldn't blame him, he had his own life. It just made things worse that Lovino didn't, not really. Sometimes he'd hang out with Sadiq, but other than that he really didn't have too many friends. Just people he talked to because they were around.

"Is this it?" the Uber driver suddenly asked.

 _I hope not_ , Lovino thought, in a thorough gloom. His brother, however, said, "yes, here is good. You can stop the journey."

Lovino made a cashless payment through his phone and stepped out first. The blast of warm, summer-evening air didn't quite cheer him up, but it felt better than sitting in that stuffy car, listening to Feli talk about how much his brother's love life sucked.

"You should download Tinder," Feli declared as they entered their apartment.

"We're still talking about this?"

"Yes! Download Tinder."

"Feli, Tinder is for hook-ups."

"Nuh-uh! Kiku met Alfred through Tinder and they dated for like a year. Besides, so what if it's for hook-ups? You can get some." Feli nudged his brother with a suggestive wink that made Lovino want to take a bath and cleanse the sin off him.

Here was where Lovino made the critical error. He rolled his eyes, placed his phone on the dining table and went to make some coffee, saying, "Yeah, right, Feli. There's nothing you can do that would make me join Tinder, or any one of those bullshit apps. They're for sad, pathetic losers who just want to get laid."

"Sad, pathetic losers like you?" Feli called after him.

"Asshole," Lovino yelled back.

But the damage was already done. He'd left his phone undefended and Feliciano took the opportunity given to him, broke into his password-protected mobile (Feli had always known Lovino's passwords), and downloaded Tinder. He went ahead and created an account, syncing his brother's Facebook and Instagram with the dating app, and writing an awesome profile.

And Lovino was none the wiser.

* * *

_You have been Super Liked! Swipe Right To Find Out Who._

Half-asleep, Lovino stared at the bizarre message. It was about 5.00 AM. Lovino always set an early alarm. It was more like an aspirational thing. He'd usually get up, check his phone, turn off the alarm and go back to sleep for at least four more hours. This morning he had a text from Sadiq, a couple of promotional e-mails and this.

What was this, actually?

Lovino couldn't go back to sleep until he found out. He never could. He had this obsessive need to check all his notifications, every single one. He didn't even have a single unread e-mail in his inbox, he'd check all of them, even the stupid ones. Unread messages bothered him on a spiritual level: it felt like there was a disturbance in the universe and he had to set it right.

So then, what was a Super Like?

Sitting up in bed, Lovino rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and dutifully swiped right. Nothing happened, though, that just made the notification disappear. He still had to know where it came from. He'd checked his e-mail and texts. It wasn't a software update or an app-store advertisement. Scroll, scroll, what was that little icon with the fire symbol? There was an unchecked notification there.

Lovino opened it and nearly died of a heart attack.

* * *

"YOU PUT ME ON TINDER?"

Feliciano woke up to someone ripping the blankets off him, turning on all the lights and stomping about the room.

"FELICIANO, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TINDER?"

"Lovi, go to sleep, it's too early…" Feli tried to bury his head under the pillow, but his brother ripped that off the bed too, throwing it on the floor.

"And look at this profile you've written!" Lovino waved the phone in his face.

_My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard – because I'm a bomb-ass chef._

"It's hilarious!" Feli protested, finally sitting up and taking the phone from him. "And look, I put such a nice series of profile pictures."

Well, at least that was true. The first picture was taken secretly by someone at a party, with Lovino holding a wine glass and laughing. He looked good. His shirt was slightly unbuttoned and his hair caught the light beautifully. The second picture was him scrunching his nose at the camera – a funny selfie he'd sent to Feli on Snapchat, before saving because it was pretty cute. The third one was of him at work, taken by one of the waitresses, Emma. It was a side profile where he was frowning in concentration was he put a pizza into the oven, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

"I told you I wasn't interested," Lovino snapped.

Feli sighed, rubbing his eyes again. "Okay, yes, I'm sorry I went behind your back. But really, Lovi! You're twenty-two and you've never dated anyone, ever. And I know you want to, okay. I know you get pretty lonely and you're shy and it must be hard. And I just want to help! If you don't like Tinder, delete it. But promise me you'll at least give it a chance? Please?"

How could Lovino ever resist that pathetic, puppy-eyed look? He'd always been soft with Feli when his brother looked at him like that. Besides, Lovino wasn't going to deny it – being 'Super Liked', whatever that meant – was quite flattering.

"Fine. Now how do I check who Super Liked me?"

* * *

Lovino spent the entire morning morbidly fascinated with Tinder. He always swiped left – who knew who these strange men actually were. Maybe they were rapists or murderers. But some of them were actually pretty cute. He even found one who was a chef (so there was a common interest there). Some creepy-looking guy with a serial-killer gaze had 'Super Liked!' him, and Lovino immediately swiped left.

Feli found him in his room, shirtless with only his pants on as he sat on his bed swiping left. "Aren't you getting ready for work?"

"In a minute."

Feli came and peered over his shoulder. Swipe Left, Swipe Left.

"You're not even looking at them! You're just swiping left! Look, that guy is cute – wait, at least read his profi—Lovi!" Feli glared at him. "You're not doing this properly." He stopped Lovino's hand at the next picture. "That guy is _cute_."

Actually pausing to see, Lovino had to agree. He was twenty-three, green-eyed, tan-skinned, and smiley. His profile picture was him grinning into the camera. The second picture showed him feeding a turtle in a tank. The third one was of him playing football, shirtless. Holy shit.

His profile read: _Hola :D I am interested in many things: painting, football, cute animals and fun people. (That cute turtle in the second picture is called Tomate and he is the best wingman B) okay not really, but still he's cute.) I'm looking to meet awesome people. Thank you for reading my profile :3_

"He's a loser."

"He's adorable!" Feli squealed. "Look at his turtle!"

"Who names a turtle 'Tomate'?"

"He thanked us for reading his profile, that's so polite!"

Lovino had an awful feeling he'd seen this guy somewhere. His name was Latin-sounding an oddly familiar. He couldn't place it. Antonio…Fernandez…C-Carr…wait a second –

"No! Don't!" Lovino yelled as Feli snatched his phone and swiped right to 'like' the man's profile.

"It's done! You'll get a notification if it's a match!"

"You idiot!" Lovino grabbed the phone back. "That was our Uber driver! From yesterday!"

Feli's expression became impassive. "What?"

Furiously, Lovino went into settings, his heart racing. "How can I unlike someone? Why did you swipe right?!"

"Because I knew you liked him!"

"You pretend you know these things but you don't!" Lovino yelled back, his voice getting higher and higher. "He was our fucking Uber driver from yesterday, Feli! I recognized the name!"

"Then why didn't you tell me _sooner_!" Feli shouted back, his voice just as high, perhaps in reaction to Lovino's own agitation.

"I didn't _know_ sooner!"

It would have been funny for an onlooker. The two of them were just staring at each other and screaming, and one of them was half-naked.

"Oh, what's the big deal?" Feli rolled his eyes. "So he's the Uber driver. That's okay."

"It's _weird_."

"You're just a classist." Feli walked out of the room, actually flipping him off. Wow. "Wear a shirt," he added as he slammed the door shut behind him.


	2. Match

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lovino has his first Tinder match, and there is conversation on poop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even kidding, Tinder sucks. Unless you just want to have casual sex, in which case, Tinder is awesome.

_You've matched!_

Lovino shouldn't have checked his phone while there was still pizza dough on his hands. He was just overwhelmed, horrified, and still utterly enraptured by this app. He hadn't swiped right on anyone except that Antonio guy (and that _did not count_!) so to see this update saying he'd 'matched' with someone…

Had the Antonio guy swiped right on _him_? Obviously. That was what it said, right here.

_You've matched with Antonio!_

_Open chat or keep swiping?_

Don't open chat. Don't open chat, he told himself.

And then he opened chat.

And waited.

…

**Antonio: hello :) good afternoon.**

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SH—calm down, Lovino. Relax. Breathe. It was okay. This was just texting, and he texted Sadiq and Feli all the time. He just had to sound like a normal person and it would be fine.

**Lovino: hey**

There. That wasn't so hard, was it? Lovino glanced up at the chaos around him. He was in the middle of work, in a very busy kitchen, with seven orders of pizza still pending. But he couldn't just…he couldn't just stop now. Something reckless took hold of him, and he typed out:

**How are you?**

**Antonio: I'm fine! What's up?**

**Lovino: in the middle of work.**

**Antonio: oh, same.**

One sec, what the hell did Antonio mean 'oh, same'? Didn't he drive an Uber? How could he text and drive? That wasn't safe! Lovino could give him a really bad review. As a pissed-off, freaked-out, concerned customer.

**Lovino: hey, ttyl? My boss is getting cranky.**

To be fair, this wasn't entirely a lie. The restaurant owner Vash was hot tempered and frugal to the point of pathetic, and he and Lovino never hit it off well. Besides, the customers would get whiny soon if their pizzas weren't made. Feli and the other cooks were busy dashing about the kitchen with work, Lovino couldn't really afford to slack off.

So he put his phone back into his pocket and resumed cooking, riding on the thrill of the fact that he had actually used Tinder. Now to see how this went.

* * *

"You _serious_?" Sadiq asked as Lovino poured him another glass of wine. Sometimes when he was free, Sadiq would pop in for an hour or two before heading home, and he and Lovino – who would just be getting off his shift at that time – would pour him his favourite wine and chat with him for a while. On nights like these, Feli would leave for Ludwig's place, leaving Lovino alone for a while.

"Serious, serious," Lovino muttered, biting into a breadstick. "The guy who drove my Uber yesterday."

"That bothers you?" Sadiq was oddly perceptive that way. Lovino attributed it to him being older and therefore wiser, but the guy was a no-good asshole too, so maybe it was just all the pot he smoked.

Shrugging, Lovino said, "No? I think I'm just weirded out by the whole thing. He sent me three texts so far through the Tinder app, which I've been ignoring. Wanna see?" Lovino took out his phone, opened the chat and showed it to Sadiq.

**Antonio: hey, so what's up?**  
**Antonio: are you free?  
** **Antonio: …I guess not**

"Don't be an asshole, Vargas. Reply. Poor guy."

Lovino sighed as he took the phone back, hastily typing in:

**Hey sorry I'm with friends. How was your day?**

"Have you swiped right on anyone else?" Bringing his glass to his lips, Sadiq added, "you gotta keep your options open."

"Listen, I wouldn't have swiped right on this guy. Feli snatched my phone and did it for me. And it happened to match."

"Hmm." Pressing his lips together, Sadiq looked Lovino dead in the eyes and said, "you could always just un-match, you know? That's an option."

What. Lovino could do that? How did he not know of this feature? "Un-match?"

"Yeah, if you don't like someone you can just un-match them. See those three red dots on the corner of the screen in your chat? Just click on that. The un-match option is right there."

Lovino found the option. He could just tap here and finish this conversation and it would be like this whole affair hadn't happened. He just stared at Antonio's cheery profile picture for a minute, and then sighed, switching his phone off. "No, never mind."

Sadiq raised an eyebrow. "You're not un-matching? You want to give it a chance?"

"What's the worst that could happen? That he's boring to talk to, right? I'm not going to be meeting him in person ever, so I don't have to worry about him being, like, a rapist or something."

"You're _never_ going to meet him in person? Why not?"

Lovino shrugged again. "It's creepy. And he's a loser. Trust me, I can tell through his profile."

"And he's cute." Sadiq just give Lovino a knowing smirk.

Sure, Lovino could concede him that. "Yeah, that too."

Admire from a distance, and then leave. That was the plan.

* * *

The house was empty when Lovino got him. Feli was out with Ludwig, getting laid. Lovino dropped down on the couch, suddenly tired, and pulled out his phone. Antonio had sent him another text.

**Antonio: Can I ask you something weird**

**Lovino: maybe. it better not be creepy**

**Antonio: Haha no. I was just wondering if youre the same person who I drove yesterday. I drive an uber and I had a customer called lovino and I think he looked a lot like you**

**Lovino: …**  
**Lovino: this is embarrassing**  
**Lovino: that was me**  
**Lovino: and my brother  
** **Lovino: and holy shit im so sorry for my brother being that inappropriate on the phone. I was mortified.**

**Antonio: oh! I thought so! I'm so amused we swiped right on each other. I did think you were really attractive. And don't worry about your brother im kinda used to it.**

**Lovino: you are?**

**Antonio: hahaha oh yeah  
** **Antonio: this one time I drove this father and son around. 14-15 year old son. And the dad was giving him the sex talk. That kid wanted to die I swear lol**

Lovino snorted as he read that, shaking his head as a traitorous grin reached his face. He wasn't going to be amused by this guy, that's what he'd promised himself, right? Be strong, Lovino.

**Antonio: people pretend im not there so I get to listen to a lot of funny things  
** **Antonio: when you cut your brother's call? i think that's the first time someone's acknowledged that some random person is listening to their entire private conversation**

**Lovino: ugh he was embarrassing me to death**  
**Lovino: he always does that  
** **Lovino: so what other things do you eavesdrop on?**

**Antonio: I don't eavesdrop! But it's a car not a football field! If people talk in the back seat I can hear it!**

**Lovino: I know I know chill I was kidding**

**Antonio: oh**  
**Antonio: well this one time this lady was on the phone with her doctor or someone I guess**  
**Antonio: and she was telling him these really gory details about her poop  
** **Antonio: I nearly drove into the back of a truck when she started**

**Lovino: OH MY GOD**  
**Lovino: EW  
** **Lovino: is that how you plan to get in my pants? Poop stories!?**

**Antonio: hahahahahah xD  
** **Antonio: you asked! :P**

**Lovino: I did, didn't i?**

**Antonio: haha**  
**Antonio: hey listen I better turn in  
** **Antonio: ive kinda had a long day**

**Lovino: sure  
** **Lovino: good night**

**Antonio: bye  
** **Antonio: lovely talking to you :)**

* * *

"I enjoyed that conversation," Lovino admitted to himself, kind of irritated. Had he no self-control at all?

Ugh, Lovino had spent so much time alone, just someone smiling at him could get his hopes way, way up. And he needed to stop that.

It was just a conversation. There was no need, absolutely no need at all, to be imagining a big gay wedding just yet.

* * *

**A**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm quite surprised Turkey isn't a more popular character in Spamano fics. I mean, yeah, he's usually the guy who gets in the way of Spamano happening, but I gotta ask – why? I mean, when you think about it, Turkey and Romano have personalities that might actually get on great. They could be really good friends if they wanted. That's what I want to explore here :D
> 
> And I'd be honoured if you followed me on tumblr: thegoliathbeetle. :)
> 
> Thanks for reading. Please comment!


	3. Chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Feli is a snarky little shit, there is some backstory, and nobody knows the plural of 'nemesis'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! If you follow me on Tumblr (thegoliathbeetle), you'll know that I was super, super busy (*cries*). I had a German exam and all sorts of demands and just…bleh. Anyway, I should be freer now :D

Lovino woke up in a chirpy mood and hated himself for it. Because he did that thing, right? He'd wake up with his aspirational 5 am alarm, check his phone for messages and fall back to sleep. So yeah. And at 5 freaking am, Antonio had messaged saying:

**Antonio: hola, you're probs asleep :) I'm on shift** ***sobbing* so tired. Just texted to say good morning and have a nice day! bye!**

And it was…cute. Which Lovino would never admit to because this guy obviously just wanted sex and Lovino was a bit of a prudish virgin. This hook-up thing WASN'T going to happen, no way. So he shouldn't have found Antonio so…dammit, charming. That was the word, right?"Prince Charming…" he mumbled sleepily as he read the man's text again. And then, thoroughly disgusted with himself, Lovino curled back into the pillow and shut his eyes firmly. It was 9 am. He'd be on shift soon. Ugh.

Still hating himself, Lovino picked up his phone again.

**Lovino: hey. good morning. 5 am shifts sound horrible. have a good day**

Antonio didn't reply. He was probably driving. Sighing, Lovino forced himself out of bed. He had to be a productive member of society now. Yuck.

* * *

"How's Tinder treating you?" Feli asked. Ludwig had just dropped him off at the restaurant, just as Lovino was entering. And really, Lovino could just roll his eyes.

"You came back from a night of gross sex with your boyfriend and all you can ask is how Tinder is treating me? Seriously?"

Feli's grin was saccharine and wicked, instantly making Lovino regret his choice of words. "Aw, Lovi, I just want you to have gross sex for once. It's because I _careee~_ " he stretched the last word out and giggled as he walked past, pushing through the restaurant's door with a sway to his hips.

If he had to admit it, Lovino didn't like his job. He didn't hate it, per se, because he enjoyed cooking and being a chef in an Italian restaurant suited him. But he didn't like the place. It was small, too cramped, business trash, right in the middle of the office district. Tall grey skyscrapers surrounded it, making the atmosphere dreary. The customers were worse, always suited up, stressed out, barking into their iPhones and typing on their Macs, cleaning their glasses with the ends of their ties as they struggled not to run a weary hand through their impeccably gelled hair.

Still, the money was decent. But Lovino just felt like there was no passion around him. Not from his customers, who all seemed so constrained and tired, and not from his coworkers, who were always agitated. Even Feli, sometimes. That was how it was in a professional kitchen. But the atmosphere compounded on him, making Lovino sort of disenchanted.

What he wanted was to have his own place, like his grandfather. Their grandpa used to own this gorgeous little homemade Italian food place called _Roma_. That was where orphaned Feli and Lovi grew up, watching their handsome _nonno_ flirt good-naturedly with the waitresses and whip up the most delightful pizzas and pastas. He did all the cooking almost single-handedly, and he never messed up an order. Lovino and Feli would help on the weekends, kneading dough or making sauces. And the customers were all regulars, who asked about the kids. Some kind old ladies would even secretly slip them a candy or two.

Grandpa, however, insisted he was going to double the family's money and invested it in stocks. And he lost almost everything. The restaurant had to be sold to pay debts, and _nonno_ died an untimely death as a broken-hearted man. Feli and Lovi never really talked about it anymore.

But one day Lovino was going to open a homely Italian restaurant called _Grandpa Roma_ – a tribute, why not? – and it would be a place where people came and laughed and relaxed with some pizza and some wine, where grannies would slip candy into the hands of children and college students would drop in on awkward first dates.

It would be a happy place.

But until he saved money for that, well, here he was.

"I matched with someone," Lovino suddenly said, while he had Feli worked side-by-side chopping tomatoes and mushrooms. "Since you asked. It was the Uber guy."

"Oh!" Feli's eyes brightened and his head shot up. "Lovi, that's so – OW!" and a spurt of blood bloomed over the mushrooms.

"Jesus, Feli!" Lovino shoved him aside to salvage what he could of the bloody mushrooms. "Go clean yourself up. You okay?"

"Oww, yeah, fine. Sorry." Feli retreated to the bathroom, sucking his finger. Lovino's phone dinged in his pocket but he ignored it.

* * *

"We should get an Uber today."

Feli had a band-aid around his finger, but was otherwise absolutely fine. A slightly slit finger didn't warrant an Uber: it was a once-a-week expense that they indulged in, mostly because neither of them liked to take the train back home. But the look Feli had was cheeky as it was pleading, and Lovino rolled his eyes again. He always rolled his eyes around Feli. Because, repeat: his brother was a dunce.

An evil dunce.

"You're hoping we'll run into my Uber driver Tinder match?"

"Obviously! I want to talk to him! He seems so nice!"

"Feli, literally, you haven't spoken to him even once in your life. Except for that day in the cab when you told him where to stop. How do you know he's so damn nice, huh?"

Lovino didn't like the silent, knowing grin that passed over Feli's lips as he gave his older brother a sideways glance. "Well, Lovi, you've been in a good mood all day."

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"No, I haven't. I'm never in a good mood. Don't throw any sunshine on my rainy parade, okay? I'm a pissed off motherfucker who hates everything, so don't make me out to be some sort of fairy princess Disney shit, thank you!"

Feli laughed for two minutes straight. Lovino gave up reasoning with him.

They called an Uber.

Not Antonio.

And yet, Lovino found himself checking his Tinder chat, and checking out an unread message.

**Antonio: hola how is your day going :)**

So Lovino typed:

**same as always. took an uber today**

Antonio's response was shamelessly, almost pathetically flirty. Not to mention, immediate.

**Antonio: oh ho ho, did you hope I'd be there to pick you up  
** **Antonio: so flattering  
** **Antonio: B)**

**Lovino: oh shut the fuck up my brother got hurt that's why**

**Antonio: ah! Omg im so sorry is he okay**

**Lovino: yeah hes fine it's just a small cut. We're chefs so it happens sometimes but he still wanted an uber. lazy fucker**

**Antonio: oh yeah your profile says youre a chef. Italian im guessing? Or is that racial profiling or something (sorry for stereotypes)**

**Lovino: no youre right, Italian food.**

**Antonio: so cool :3**

**Lovino: so what do you do when youre not ubering**

**Antonio: "Ubering" hahaha  
** **Antonio: actually I "uber" because I need the money for art school.  
** **Antonio: im really really into graphic art/comics and stuff. And painting but I looove comics, always have. And manga**

"Is that Antonio? What's he saying?" His brother almost fell into Lovino in a desperate attempt to read the chat, in complete invasion of the normal codes of privacy. "Oh, he likes manga! You should get him in touch with Kiku! He's always looking for new people to share his interests with."

"Will you not?" Lovino narrowed his eyes. "I barely know him. Why would I introduce him to my _brother's_ friends? God, Feli."

**Lovino: wow manga?  
** **Lovino: you know Japanese?**

**Antonio: …eh, haha…no  
** **Antonio: but the art is so great. Love the manga eyes :') I wish I had manga eyes**

**Lovino: you'd look like a freak  
** **Lovino: imagine giant green eyes that cover like half your face**

**Antonio: shush lovino don't hurt my dreams… xD**

Lovino snorted. Feli grinned. "You really like him, don't you?"

"He's funny. In a dumb sort of way."

"ASK HIM OUT! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!"

Without a pause, Lovino glanced straight to the Uber driver who, as expected, pretended to ignore everything being said in the back seat. But then, last night's conversation with Antonio came back to him.

**Lovino: do you and the other uber drivers discuss embarrassing passengers with each other?**

**Antonio: obviously it is our god given right**

**Lovino: thanks**

"Feli –" and Lovino gave up on his _stop being so embarrassing_ lecture and just sank into the carseat. "Nothing." Instead he checked the name of this Uber driver. Someone called Arthur Kirkland.

**Lovino: do you know an Arthur Kirkland**

**Antonio: oh  
** **Antonio: Is he the sob driving you right now  
** **Antonio: because he is an SOB  
** **Antonio: SOB.**

**Lovino: okay okay I get it  
** **Lovino: and yes he is driving us  
** **Lovino: and Feli embarrassed me as usual**

**Antonio: hahaha don't worry Lovi he wont tell me anything, we hate each other  
** **Antonio: you can say we're  
** **Antonio: NEMESIS  
** **Antonio: Nemesi?  
** **Antonio: Lovi what is the plural of nemesis**

"He just called me _Lovi_." Irritation and mortification roiled in his stomach. "Lovi!"

Feliciano giggled. "That is so cute."

"Is not. And what is the plural of 'nemesis'?"

"I don't know. Nemesi?"

**Lovino: don't call me lovi :l  
** **Lovino: and its probably nemesi**

**Antonio: okay thanks c:  
** **Antonio: and lovi is so cute! You can call me Toni :D**

**Lovino: I will not**

**Antonio: aw :(**

Lovino snorted again, just as the car pulled up in front of their building. He hated how cheerful he was right now. But more than that, he hated Feli's shit-eating, all-knowing smirk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plural of nemesis is 'nemeses'. Don't write 'nemesi' in your English exam, please.


	4. Bad Network

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lovino googles how to tenderly and painlessly kill a lizard, and someone unimportant dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I asked on tumblr (thegoliathbeetle) for suggestions for fictional street names, since I couldn't think of any. I got some lovely ideas from lots of awesome people but I finally decided to go with 'Verbena', suggested by offwithyourbloodyhead. But thank you ALL for your wonderful ideas, and I totally plan on picking some more names from your suggestions if required (and if permitted :3). And shout out to offwithyourbloodyhead - thanks for "Verbena". It's so charming. :)

"Siri, does Tinder kill anyone?" Lovino asked his iPhone because he was feeling too lazy to actually Google it himself. Lying in bed after a long day, chatting to someone fun he'd never met, thoughts of sex and possible murder kept assaulting him.

" _Okay, I found this on the web for: does tender kill anyone"_.

Letting out a strangled yelp, Lovino's eyes barely scanned the first result: _how do I kill my pet lizard painlessly_ and tried again.

"Siri, does TINDER kill anyone?"

" _Okay, I found this on the web for: does tinder kill anyone"._ Lovino just groaned. The results were all so stupid: tips on getting more tinder matches and whatever. "Siri, you're dumb," he muttered under his breath as he brought up the Tinder app again, reading Antonio's chat.

They'd been chatting for hours. It was a little past midnight now. So far Lovino had learnt that Antonio lived on Verbena Hill, only a twenty-minute train ride away. He lived alone (psychopath alert, holy fucking shit), he had a pet turtle called Tomate, his favourite food was anything with tomatoes (same as Lovino, but that didn't mean anything, no way), and he loved animation and cartoon movies to pieces. Watching _Finding Dory_ had been the highlight of his week.

And in turn, Lovino had told him about his collection of posters of metal bands, not because he liked the music (honestly, he hated metal) but because the posters always looked cool. So far he had three Slipknot posters, one Metallica and one Judas Priest. He didn't tell Antonio about where he stayed – no way was he going to let a psychopath murder him at night – but he did mention that it "was close to work". Mostly though, he let Antonio do the talking. And boy did Antonio talk.

**Antonio: uhoh I just dropped my phone**

**Antonio: oh it works hahaha yay**

**Antonio: I'm kinda sleepy**

**Antonio: I'm SO sleepy lol I've been up since like 4 am for my 5 am shift since it takes a while for me to get ready**

**Antonio: and I have another 5 am shift tomorrow**

**Antonio: actually kill me**

**Antonio: no don't, this is tinder, who knows if you're a serial killer**

**Antonio: lol I feel sleep drunk**

**Antonio: like drunk on exhaustion**

**Lovino: if I told you I wasn't a serial killer you wouldn't believe me?**

**Antonio: of course not**

**Antonio: I'm not a serial killer**

**Lovino: liar you're the zodiac killer aren't you**

**Antonio: No lovino I am not ted cruz**

He couldn't stop the open honest laughter that left him.

**Lovino: who makes ted cruz jokes anymore anyway**

**Lovino: now it's all about trump**

**Antonio: it was always about trump**

**Antonio: trump is the king man**

**Antonio: trump is trumpppp**

**Antonio: I hate trump**

**Antonio: so tired**

**Lovino: so sleep**

**Lovino: idiot**

**Antonio: but I'm having fun chatting :3**

**Lovino: well you can chat with me tomorrow**

**Lovino: as for me I'm tired too**

**Lovino: good night**

**Antonio: aww fine**

**Antonio: good night**

**Antonio: don't let the bed bugs bite**

**Lovino: who says that**

**Antonio: I do :3**

* * *

Feli was already awake when Lovino came to. That wasn't so much of a surprise. But his brother was sitting in a corner on the couch, curled up with his chin to his knees, his eyes red from sleep and tears, his phone switched off on the table in front of him. Lovino just gaped at the sight. Something seriously bad must have happened for his sunshine and rainbows brother to look so wretched.

"Feli?"

"He died."

What the fuck what the fuck what the actual fucking fuck –

"…Who did?" Lovino asked slowly, taking a step forward and somehow trying to keep his heartbeat steady at the same time. 'Death' was a bad word. It was the worst word. They'd been surrounded with death as children – first their father in a car crash, then their mother to cancer. And then their grandpa to a heart attack only two years ago.

"Ludwig's dad."

He raised his head now, balefully looking at Lovino. "It happened only hours ago. Like at 3 in the morning."

"Oh, shit." Instantly donning the role of Caring Brother – the same one he had always worn to help Feli through every single horrible death – Lovino sat down next to him and rubbed his back. "What happened?"

"He'd been a heart patient for a while." Sniffing deeply, Feli added, "he died in his sleep last night. At least it was painless."

"The best way to go, yeah…"

"Heart attack. Like grandpa, huh?" Feli glanced over and Lovino forced his expression to remain neutral. Grandpa's death was still a bit raw. Especially on Lovino. He'd always felt closer to the man, somehow. _Nonno_ had always treated him like a Big Boy – even when they were children with only a year between them. _You want a drink like a big man, Lovi?_ he'd ask, pouring him apple juice in a whiskey glass. Or, _us big men gotta keep working no matter what, huh?_ when Lovino had a 101 C fever the night before an exam and still kept studying.

"Ludwig called me at like 4 am and…god…"

"I'm _so_ sorry, Fel," he said, letting Feliciano hug him. Then another thought dawned. "Have you been sitting here since four in the morning?"

"Kinda," Feli mumbled from where he buried his head in Lovino's shoulder.

"Jesus, you could have woken me up."

Feli didn't reply to that.

In the year that he and Ludwig had dated, Feli had become quite fond of the old man. The elder Beilschmidt had been practically charming – once you got through his stiff, unfriendly exterior. Lovino remembered how he'd been a willing taster to Feli's experimental 'dessert pasta' (a sugary, chocolatey, carb-rich monster from hell that they _never spoke of anymore_.) How he had even offered Lovino a ride to the bank once when the two of them happened to be going the same way. Lovino was, on some level, really quite sad.

"I have to go to his place now. I feel so horrible, Lovino. I can't do this alone." His golden eyes – so much like Lovino's own – looked pleadingly at him. "Please come with me?"

"Vash will have a fit if we both take an off today." But Lovino just sighed. "Yeah, I'll text him."

Feli hugged his brother again. "Thank you."

* * *

Before going for a shower, Lovino sent a quick text to Antonio. His new…friend…hadn't sent him a good morning at 5 am. Not that Lovino had been secretly hoping for one; they'd only been chatting for two days, after all.

**Lovino: hey good morning. You're probably on shift. have a good day**

Antonio replied ten minutes later, while Lovino was shampooing his hair.

**Antonio: hey sorry I cant chat today. bit busy. Have a good day to you too though :)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that's an unexpectedly sad ending but it's FOR A GOOD CAUSE :D
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please review :)


	5. Good Network

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which nothing funny happens, and Francis is a useless hippie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I discovered a new font on my laptop. AMERICAN TYPEWRITER. It's so cool :D

It would have been easier if they could drive. Walking to the train station with Feli sniffling and wiping his eyes every five minutes was as depressing as it was awkward. People passing by with gawk at the brothers before embarrassedly looking away. Too bad they didn't have a car. It was one of the things they'd had to sell to settle grandpa's debts. Along with the family's bungalow.

Lovino kept staring at his phone's home screen. He didn't have any texts or Facebook notifications to distract him. Feli, sitting next to him, had calmed down somewhat. Minutes ticked past. Usually Lovino didn't mind watching people in the train. He hated it when it was too crowded, but rush hour had just ended so it wasn't all that bad. Right now, there was nobody interesting enough to watch. He stared at the last message Antonio had sent him – about him being busy today and unable to chat – and thought, _same._ How utterly heartless would he have to be to talk to his Tinder friend of three days while his brother sat next to him wiping his tears?

The weather, at least, was warm and pleasantly sunny. As they got off the train and walked the ten minutes it took to go to the Beilschmidt house – not the apartment Ludwig stayed in, but the large, terraced home with a garden and a garage – Lovino could smell roses and listen to happy little birds tweeting about. It must have been pleasant to grow up in his neighbourhood. Lovino could all but imagine an ice cream truck and children playing football on the street.

The Beilschmidt house had a white door and a picket fence and everything, with potted flowers hanging from hooks on the ceiling. It was just downright charming; their grandfather would have loved it.

Ludwig opened the door. The otherwise stiff, irritable fellow looked…a little less stiff and irritable. In fact his eyes were red-rimmed and tired, his skin an unhealthy shade of grey. His hair wasn't gelled back and fell on his face, and his crumped blue shirt just made it seem like he'd been tossed around inside a washing machine and dropped out as a heap onto the floor.

Feliciano wordlessly hugged him. Neither of them were crying, but Lovino still felt the urgent need to look away, at anything. He stared at his shoes. They needed to be polished. Huh.

"Lovino," Ludwig greeted after a moment.

"Hey." Glancing up to meet his gaze, Lovino quietly said, "I'm really sorry for your loss."

He was used to people telling that to him. Did they ever mean it? No, probably not. It was just a formality.

Still, to Ludwig, he did mean those words. He was sorry. He and Feli had faced death a lot. Nobody should have to go through it.

"Thank you." Ludwig stepped aside. "Come on in."

Ludwig's mother was on the sofa with another woman Lovino could only imagine was her friend. The family's pet black Labrador, Layla, sat with her head on Gilbert's lap. Ludwig's brother patted her, whispering softly in German. He looked worn out and barely looked up when Feli and Lovino entered the living room.

Lovino greeted them all in turn, muttering condolences in an awkwardly soft tone, staring at his shoes, the rug, the curtains, anything to distract how out of place he felt. He wasn't close with these people. But it wouldn't have been right for him to skip this, and besides, somebody sensible had to keep an eye on Feli.

Ludwig offered them orange juice. They declined.

The doorbell rang again.

Gilbert tilted his head briefly to the sound of the noise. And then, as though it took a lot of effort, he pushed himself off the couch with Layla in tow. Lovino watched him go silently.

"…speaking to the funeral home…"

"…all covered, don't worry…"

Two voices followed Gilbert back into the house. One – a softer, considerably more pleasant tone – belonged to a wavy-haired blonde with blue eyes. The other one was louder – not intentionally, but somewhat naturally – and sounded crisp and bright, even with his dulled, respectfully quiet volume. It was a welcome relief from how depressing everything was right now.

And it belonged to someone who looked far too familiar.

He kept talking. And Lovino couldn't help but stare.

"…said he'd do a full service, and if there was anything specific that we wanted, we could let him know. And I know you mentioned you wanted pink stargazer lilies in vases and stuff – he said we can organize all of that if we'd like. And Francis said he'd take care of it, so you don't worry at all, okay? It's under control."

Gilbert mutely nodded, then ran a hand through his platinum hair. "Thanks, guys, really. I mean it."

His two friends patted his shoulder.

As an afterthought, Gilbert turned to Feli, who sat at the table with Ludwig, and said, "Feli, these are my friends from when I was a kid. Francis and Antonio."

"Seriously?" Lovino blurted out.

The whole room turned to look at him. So did Antonio. And when he did, his bright green eyes popped. " _Lovino_?"

And that was where Lovino's game ended.

He just gaped stupidly at Antonio for several seconds, until Gilbert asked, "…is there a problem?"

"Uh." Antonio glanced rapidly from Gilbert and Francis to Lovino. "No, not really. I just know him."

" _Oh_!" Feli cried, " _oh, you—_ "

"Lovino, can you help me make breakfast?" Antonio said so loudly that it almost seemed like he was shouting. "Since you're a chef."

"Right!" And Lovino jumped to his feet, followed Antonio to the kitchen and slammed the door behind him.

* * *

The silence in the kitchen was deafening. They stared at each other for so many seconds that Lovino almost wondered if Antonio was going to suddenly and passionately kiss him – like in the movies.

Unfortunately, no.

Antonio just glanced around like he didn't know what to say, shook his head, and let out a small giggle. "I shouldn't be laughing on such a sad day but, this is serendipitous, isn't it? Hi there."

Lovino felt utter panic climb up his chest. He wasn't mentally prepared to meet his Tinder match, hell no. He wasn't wearing anything nice, just some old shirt and faded jeans, and he hadn't even shaved. He hadn't thought of what he was going to say – and then hadn't rethought it – he hadn't had his mandatory panic attack (and cried), he hadn't convinced himself that he was going to be murdered, nothing.

So for Antonio to just stand there saying, "Hi," like it was no big deal…

Actually, no. He'd said, "this is serendipitous," which was a word Lovino had never heard a real person say out loud. He wasn't even sure he knew what it meant.

But Antonio stood there, waiting for an answer, and the longer Lovino took to give it, the more his smile faded.

"Hey," Lovino forced himself to mumble, stuffing his hands in his pockets – maybe he'd look nonchalant? Maybe he'd look like he didn't give a damn.

"What are you doing here?" Antonio asked gently, smiling again.

"I'm with Feli. My brother."

"Ah." Antonio nodded slowly. "That's your brother." And his lips curled upwards.

"The one who always embarrasses me but never feels any of that embarrassment himself."

"They're the luckiest people," Antonio replied, grinning. Sticking his hand out, he added, "nice to meet you, Lovino."

Lovino shook it, his heart soaring. Antonio's palm was hot to the touch and he pulled away quickly. "What's with all the secrecy?"

"Somehow bringing up Tinder only hours before someone's dad has died seemed a bit rude." Antonio smiled again – he really smiled a lot, huh? – before going over to the fridge. "We can make some eggs?"

"You were serious about breakfast?"

"Yeah, they haven't eaten since they woke up. It's been awful for them. Usually Francis would cook, he's good at it, but you're a chef." His eyes twinkled. "Well, Francis is technically a chef too, but he dropped out of cooking school two weeks before he got his qualifications because he's weird and anti-establishment like that."

"What?"

"He thinks professional chefs are slaves to the trends of common men. In short: that they're all losers." And here, Antonio giggled again.

"Wow, he must be a useless hippie."

"He's rich, he can afford to be a useless hippie."

"Good point."

* * *

They didn't exchange numbers.

Which was stupid.

Because Tinder chat kind of sucked. The messages always got delivered late and often out of order. They'd met in person now. Sure, they didn't talk much. Not after they made breakfast for everyone. But they kept exchanging glances: Antonio with small, friendly grins and Lovino with a fierce, blushing glare. So neither of them were serial killers. Why didn't they exchange numbers?

**Antonio: would it be weird  
** **Antonio: if I asked you out**

**Lovino: it depends**

**Antonio: on?**

**Lovino: what we're going to do**

**Antonio: movie+dinner?**

Not that Lovino had ever been on a goddamn date before, but he still had standards, right?

**Lovino: cliché**

**Antonio: ahhhhhhhh D: no it's romantic  
** **Antonio: okay fine  
** **Antonio: I'll think of something :D  
** **Antonio: can I have your number by the way  
** **Antonio: Tinder chat sucks**

**Lovino: it really does**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look me in the eye and tell me Antonio wouldn't use the word 'serendipitous' at every possible instance. I DARE YOU!
> 
> Thanks for reading :D Please comment!


	6. Tinder Hates Antonio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Antonio has made questionable life choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, people :3

As far as Antonio was concerned, Tinder was stupid. You couldn't really say much about yourself on your profile, and most people just swiped right mindlessly, hoping to match with someone, anyone, everyone. It was, however, leagues better than Grindr: now _there_ was an app designed strictly for hook-ups. (And Grindr was faaaaar too intense for Antonio. This one time he messaged someone in his work break saying he was bored, and got mobbed by no less than 12 dick pics – and the dick in question, its owner had declared, was apparently named Captain Fill Ups. Punning on _Captain Phillips_ , the movie.) Some people liked that kind of thing, but it really wasn't for Antonio. Not one bit.

Anyway, he hadn't even been using Tinder much. He'd just downloaded it to get over his Grindr trauma (Tinder was more vanilla, after all), and hadn't been paying too much attention to it. He actually hadn't used it in months. Technically speaking, he had no reason to. He was Content. With a capital C.

So when he'd seen that really attractive, scowly-looking man in the back seat of his Uber that day, he'd listened closely to the embarrassing conversations his brother was having with him, pretending not to have a clue. Lovino Vargas, that was the customer's name. And Antonio just thought, _well, he's cute_ , before dismissing the idea. He'd had other things on his mind.

Then he got home. Made dinner for just one person, because Roderich had cancelled on him _again_ , watched some TV and fallen asleep on the couch, slightly put out. He kind of knew his…boyfriend? was having an affair. Antonio had known that for several weeks, actually. When he first found the lipstick stain on a collar of Roderich's shirt, he'd been miserable and weepy. A few days after the fact, he was mad. He could have screamed and broken it off, but Antonio held back. He avoided drama, if he could.

And the funny thing was, after the initial shock, Antonio had discovered he didn't really care. He hadn't even thought to tell his best friends about it. Roderich, he soon discovered through some Facebook searching, was probably seeing a woman in his office, Elizabeta. Well, good for her. Antonio wasn't hurt anymore, but he still wasn't going to give Roderich the satisfaction of a breakup. No, he'd let Roderich sneak around a while, because the guilt sex was incredible and to compensate his conscience, he'd been buying Antonio expensive presents.

When Antonio got bored of it, he'd call it quits.

The moment Antonio got bored of it came the next day, when Roderich texted him: **Can I please invite a friend over for dinner? Her name is Elizabeta and I owe her a favour.**

The nerve of him! Calling his mistress over for dinner with his boyfriend! Fuck if Antonio was going to stand for that!

 **sure okay :D what kind of food does she eat? Paella ok?** he texted back, seething.

And then he opened Tinder and started swiping right. Madly. Out of total ferocity. He was barely even looking at the people he was approving of. Some of them even matched. Who cares. Keep swiping, swipe the anger away!

And then he found Lovino Vargas's profile and paused for a moment. _My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard – because I'm a bombass chef._ His pictures were pretty cute too. Would it be weird to swipe right on an Uber customer of his? Probably. Antonio did it anyway.

The truth was, Antonio had never meant to begin conversation with him. He'd matched with loads of other people. He was planning to ignore all of them.

Now, suddenly, things were getting out of hand. Because he was texting Lovino, and genuinely starting to like him. _But_ he was also texting this other guy called Heracles, and another called Carlos, and a third called Alfred, and he didn't want to just unmatch them. It was rude! They were all nice people and he liked them too. He just liked Lovino the most.

But Lovino too, would probably be chatting with other people. He was so cute, he must have matched with loads of others.

Anyway, it was all pretty manageable until Gilbert's father died. Shocked and horrified as he was, Antonio had been mentally prepared to take charge of the situation. To help his best friend through a trying time. Organise the funeral. The lunch afterwards. Sit with Francis and plan the whole thing.

Then he met Lovino in person.

And there went everything.

* * *

There were three distinct problems.

One: Antonio was already a little bit smitten by the Italian chef.

Two: Antonio was still 'committed' to Roderich and as time passed, it had gotten harder to walk out of it. For one, they were looking for houses together. The lease on his flat was expiring soon anyway. Since Antonio had no money, they'd be getting the place in Roderich's name. It left Antonio in a dangerous situation: possible homelessness if the relationship broke off.

Three: Alfred Jones had asked him out just the other day, and because Antonio found it hard to say no to people, he'd agreed.

One date was harmless.

But one date, when you already have a 'serious relationship' _and_ are attracted to an Italian you barely know, became suddenly very complicated.

* * *

**Antonio: so where are we meeting tomorrow?**

**Alfred: its a surprise :D but i promise we'll have fun**

**Antonio: okay haha. just dont murder me and we're good :D**

**Alfred: hahahaha NO MURDERING xD**

* * *

"What's Roderich saying?" Francis asked when Antonio grinned at his phone.

"Nothing, just flirting, you know," Antonio lied, raising his head to face Francis, and hoping no hurt showed in his eyes. His boyfriend was a jerk, yes. Antonio could do better, yes. But it still stung, that a relationship going strong for almost a year suddenly meant nothing, to either of them. How did that even happen? "He was asking me if he should come for the funeral."

Francis pushed a lock of hair from his eyes and glanced towards Gilbert, who looked grey with exhaustion and too much crying. "Obviously, he should. We all need a bit of support right now."

"Yeah," Gilbert said thickly. "Old bastard hadta go and die without warning." He'd never been close to his father, in fact, their relationship had been rather hostile. Antonio wondered if that was what made it harder for Gilbert. There was a lot they hadn't talked about before the old man croaked.

* * *

**Antonio: EUREKA**

**Lovino: yes?**

**Antonio: I found the perfect thing  
** **Antonio: you will totally loooove it  
** **Antonio: would you like to go out with me  
** **Antonio: to a farmers market**

**Lovino: excuse me what**

**Antonio: hahahah  
** **Antonio: there's a farmer's market in Blue Street every 2nd saturday of the month  
** **Antonio: and theres a lot of local food and stuff too  
** **Antonio: you're a chef you'll like it  
** **Antonio: and we can eat and walk around  
** **Antonio: and it's very public so don't worry :)**

**Lovino: huh  
** **Lovino: that's interesting  
** **Lovino: okay cool I don't mind  
** **Lovino: that's…next Saturday yeah?**

**Antonio: YEP :D  
Antonio: yaaaay you said yes  
** **Antonio: yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay**

**Lovino: idiot**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on vacation but I had some time to write this :D Hope you liked it. Thanks for reading. Please comment!


	7. Swipe Left Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which both participants of this date are miserable, and Francis needs a new caterer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it can seem like I hate Roderich, but the opposite is actually true. I love SpaAus (honestly, I think it's my favourite ship after Spamano). But I also see it as doomed from the start. I don't know why, exactly, but Toni and Roddy seem compatible in a very tragic way. Somehow I don't see it working out at all.
> 
> Just putting that out there.

The date sucked.

The date with Alfred, that is.

As Antonio put on a clean shirt and did his hair in the mirror, he actually didn't feel like going. Part of him almost reached out to cancel the date, but that was rude, and Alfred was probably looking forward to it. Conflicts upon conflicts swelled Antonio's stomach. Both he and Francis were worried about Gilbert. They'd left him with his family for now, but it still felt somehow cruel to be going on a date a bit after your best friend lost their father.

There was also the matter of Roderich, which made Antonio's head spin. Roderich was going to be _out late_ again, so it wasn't like Antonio was worried he might interrupt. Still, on some level, Toni felt a bit…dirty, to be agreeing to a date like this. He was still committed, right? Sure, his boyfriend was a jerk, but wasn't this the time he was supposed to 'be the bigger man' or whatever?

And then there was Lovino…and Antonio was being an ass to him. This wasn't how Antonio usually was. He never saw himself as someone who would just string a person along. What was wrong with him?

He met Alfred in the park. He looked exactly like his Tinder pictures. Antonio was slightly miffed that Alfred was only wearing a stupid Iron Man hoodie and jeans – Antonio had actually dressed up and gelled his hair, for heaven's sake. Effort mattered!

And Alfred chatted a lot. Which was a bit unnerving because usually, Antonio was the talkative one. But that was fine. The big 'surprise' Alfred had planned was exactly what Antonio had expected: a movie (a lame action flick) and then Starbucks.

Alfred gulped his second shot of espresso when Antonio saw him pale, and he lowered his cup.

"Are you all right?" he'd asked.

"Shit," Alfred muttered, looking into the distance. Antonio followed his gaze.

Sitting in a corner booth were a male couple. An Asian guy and a blonde haired – "wait, is that Arthur?" Antonio blurted.

"Who?" Alfred narrowed his eyes, glaring at Antonio. "That's his name?"

"Uh, yeah. He's a coworker. Real asshole."

"He's with my ex-boyfriend. Shit. That's Kiku. Oh my god. I can't be seen here."

Evidently, Kiku and Arthur seemed in the midst of a deep conversation, both of the leaning towards each other, eyes meeting, their coffees untouched.

"If we get up now, they'll spot us," Antonio reminded, staring melancholically into his cappuccino. He didn't exactly want Arthur to see him either. Kirkland had a way of ruining Antonio's existence with the very air he breathed. Besides, he really didn't want his nemesis to know he was on a date, because of course Arthur – and everyone at work – knew Antonio and Roderich were a thing.

Alfred's hands curled up, and he turned back to the table. Then he took a sachet of sugar and started tearing it for no reason, glaring at its contents as it fell.

"Kiku and I were living together and we were really close and then everything went to hell and we only broke up recently. What's he doing, already dating?"

Antonio raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing on a date, then?"

"Trying to get over him."

"Nice to know this is a rebound."

Alfred sighed, dropping the sachet on the table. "I'm sorry." His blue eyes met Antonio, and they looked full of remorse. "I just don't know what to do. I know neither of us have been having a lot of fun right now…I've been chatting about rubbish the whole time, I guess because silence drives me mad and I'm just…sad."

Antonio's eyes wandered towards Kiku and Arthur. "Mmh, yeah. I mean, if we're confessing, I only agreed to this date to spite my boyfriend. And because I felt too rude to say no."

"You have a boyfriend?"

"Roderich, yeah. He's cheating on me."

Alfred grimaced. "Break up with him. Immediately."

"I know." Antonio stirred his cappuccino. "But it's complicated. I mean, my lease is about to expire and Roderich asked me to move in with him because hell, I can't afford another place right now…eh. If I break up, I'll be pretty much homeless."

Alfred's eyes widened. "Don't you have friends that can take you in?"

"My best friend's dad just passed away, I really don't want to burden him further." Staying with Francis was an option, perhaps, but still, something held Antonio back from asking. He just…he really didn't want to be so much trouble. Right now, they just had to be there for Gilbert.

"Ouch. What are you going to do?"

"Who even knows. What happened between you and Kiku?"

Alfred let out a small, sad laugh. "Both of us worked too much…we had some fights…"

"You obviously still love him."

"Whatever," Alfred muttered drumming his fingers on the table. "Is Arthur a bad guy? I don't want Kiku to get hurt…"

Taking a sip of his coffee, Antonio watched Arthur for another minute. "He won't _hurt_ people. We're just…nemeses."

"A grown man isn't supposed to have a nemesis."

Antonio scrunched his nose up like a child and stuck his tongue out at Alfred. "Well, I do. Anyway, it's stupid. I don't even know how it started, but we just kind of compete with everything."

"Don't you drive an Uber?"

"Yeah."

"What do Uber drivers compete about?"

Antonio really didn't like the tone people used sometimes when they found out his job. It paid the bills. And he was trying to save up for art school. There was nothing wrong with driving a cab. It didn't make him inferior to anyone!

Narrowing his eyes, Antonio replied, "Nothing important." He and Arthur usually tried to outdo each other in the number of customers they received. How good their cars were. How good the wifi in their cars were. Just because it was silly didn't mean it wasn't intense.

"They're leaving," Alfred exclaimed with a soft, relieved sigh. The two of them watched Kiku and Arthur exit the Starbucks. Antonio waited a few beats, then stood up too.

"I should get going."

"I can drop you home."

"No, I'm fine." He forced a smile. "This has been fun."

"It hasn't, really." Alfred stood up too.

"No, not really." Running a hand through his hair (and essentially ruining his gelled style), Antonio added, "Sorry. I guess neither of us are really in the right head space, huh?"

"Not exactly."

"Good luck with things," Antonio replied.

"You too."

* * *

_You have 4 unread messages_

**Roderich: don't wait up for me :)**

**.**

**Francis: hey toni! Bad news! The caterers I'd hired for the funeral cancelled on us so we're gonna need new ones pronto! Any ideas? It needs to be good food, not just stupid finger food rubbish**

**.**

**Lovino: motherfucking shit stupid customer returned my pizza! Said my sauce wasn't 'authentic italian'! I'LL SHOVE MY AUTHENTIC ITALIAN LEATHER SHOE UP HIS ASS!**

**Lovino: sorry about that, I had to vent. Anyway how are you today, you've been quiet**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've had a hard time writing lately and it's been quite depressing. I hope I can get back into the groove soon…
> 
> Thanks for reading :) Please comment!


	8. What's Simple Isn't Always Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Francis has traumatic Burger King memories and Antonio is just in pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally have no excuse. I lost inspiration for this story and now I'm *trying* to find it again...

**Antonio: hey lovi youre a chef right**

**Lovino: I thought we established that**

**Antonio: yeah yeah listen here’s a crazy idea  
** **Antonio: the caterers for the funeral cancelled and francis needs a new one  
** **Antonio: how bout you?**

**Lovino: …you want to have pizza at a funeral?**

**Antonio:…you can cook other things right**

**Lovino: lol yeah i can. wait lemme ask feli, see if he’s ok with it.  
** **Lovino: he’s been pretty upset so yeah**

**Antonio: okay lemme know :D**

* * *

_“You want to have pizza at a German funeral?”_ Francis cried, his voice loud and slightly tinny through the phone speaker. _“We don’t even know how good a chef he is! What if he works at Pizza Hut or something?”_

Antonio sighed, sprinkling some pepper and oregano onto the fish he was frying for dinner. The skillet sizzled, steam rising on his face. “Well, he’s close to the family…sort of. And this is short notice so we’ll have to make do.”

 

Francis harrumphed. Antonio could all but see him shake his head. “ _I don’t know, Toni…_ ”

 

“If you’re that concerned, you should cook. You can make lots of elegant meals.”

 

“ _You know I don’t cook anymore_.”

 

“Yes, but—“

 

It was too late. Francis set off. “ _You’ve heard the story...In the summer of 2014, I went to a Burger King_ —”

 

“Francis—”

 

“ _And I ate one of their godawful preparations_ —”

 

“Well, it was your fault for going to a Burger Ki—”

 

“ _And then_!” Francis yelled, heightening the drama, “ _as I was chewing through the bile in my mouth I saw a beautiful girl…oh, she was crafted from the hands of angels…and I realised…I saw the Truth…_ ”

 

“Oh god,” Antonio muttered in an undertone.

 

“ _What was a girl that elegant, that poised, doing eating a double patty at a Burger King? It opened my eyes to the cruelty in this world…_ ”

 

“Maybe she was just hungry?”

 

“ _And I realised: what is the point? What is the point of either food, or love? That was the day I decided…I decided to never cook for anyone other than myself again_.”

 

“Francis, no,” Antonio cut in, “that’s not why you don’t cook for other people. The reason you don’t want to do this is because you’re stuck up and lazy. And also because your ex-girlfriend didn’t like your cooking so you’re just embarrassed.”

 

“ _Hey_!”

 

“Get rekt.”

 

“ _Rude_.”

 

“Yeah, so I’ll let you know what Lovino says.” With that, Antonio rolled his eyes and cut the phone. He flipped the fish in the skillet and watched it sizzle.

 

* * *

**Lovino: yeah ok i can cook. making a menu now**

**Antonio: oh yay!**

**Lovino: any preferences**

**Antonio: the beilschmidts like potatoes but I like tomatoes  
** **Antonio: and francis doesn’t like anything so he doesn’t matter**

**Lovino: ouch**

**Antonio: hahaha  
** **Antonio: anyway see you tomorrow**

**Lovino: wait what**

**Antonio: um yeah  
Antonio: didn’t feli tell you?  
** **Antonio: the funeral is tomorrow**

**Lovino: WHAT**

* * *

**Lovino: jesus Christ feli forgot to tell me. Which makes sense he’s been so upset but still wtf  
** **Lovino: how the fuck am I gonna make a full meal for 50 people by TOMORROW MORNING**

**Antonio: its only 20 people :)**

**Lovino: !!!!!!!!!!!!  
** **Lovino: fine lovino…you’re a professional you can do this  
** **Lovino: I get the feeling most normal people don’t ask their tinder matches to make meals for a funeral**

**Antonio: most normal people ask their tinder matches for sex  
** **Antonio: would you like me to do that**

**Lovino: I’ll take the pizza thanks  
** **Lovino: kbye**

**Antonio: LOL**

* * *

 

His eyes and hands hurt from sketching and lack of sleep, but Antonio hadn’t drawn anything in a while, so this was cathartic. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew he’d got himself into a ridiculous situation. There were things he could do to simplify his life. For one, uninstall Tinder. Or at the very least, unmatch everyone. He already had a boyfriend, he shouldn’t be dating.

 

Or, alternatively, break up with his stupid cheating boyfriend and go on as many Tinder dates as he wanted. But then where would he stay? Unlike his family home, Gilbert’s actual apartment was tiny. Besides, Antonio didn’t want to invade his friend’s personal space during such a trying time. Francis…Francis had a nice place. He had quite a bit of family money, and he earned a decent salary as a food critic for some fancy lifestyle magazine. So of course he had a large flat in the arts district, with a spare room and everything.

 

It was a possibility. Antonio just…he didn’t want to be a burden. He liked handling his affairs on his own. (Literally, at this point, _affairs_.) Maybe he could just talk to his landlord. But Antonio had a feeling that wouldn’t work. Since he hadn’t renewed the lease, his own place was due to be rented by the next tenant in a couple of weeks. It would be near impossible to save it now.

 

Ugh, what a mess. What a mess.

Antonio ignored the doorbell the first time it rang, but when it buzzed again, he sighed and stood up from his sketchbook and half-eaten dinner. There was Roderich, with a bunch of roses and a box of chocolates.

 

“Oh.” Something warm and happy bloomed in Antonio’s chest, the part of himself that was still madly in love with this man. “Hey, you. This is a surprise.”

 

Roderich kissed him, then said, “I felt so bad for being busy this week, so I wanted to surprise you. Are you busy?”

 

“Just sketching.” Antonio’s heart ached. Roderich smelled of women’s perfume. He’d been with Elizabeta again.

 

What was _with_ them? All three of them? If Roderich wasn’t happy, why didn’t he just break it off with Antonio? Why didn’t Antonio just break it off with him? Love was so goddamn complicated when it shouldn’t have to be.

 

So of course Antonio let him in. Of course they cuddled on the couch, they drank wine, they laughed, they fucked. As Roderich slept, the thin blanket draping his lean, sculpted chest, Antonio turned away from him and wiped the tears from his eyes.

 

It was so simple. It was so damn simple. So why couldn’t Antonio just _do it._ Why couldn’t he just _get out?_

Damn it. Antonio hated being in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I update soon...

**Author's Note:**

> I shall update soon. Haha, I'm adding all my new apps here, I swear. I recently downloaded Uber and Snapchat as well and I've mentioned them here xD 
> 
> Thanks for reading. Please comment :D


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